little love,
how are you doing, wherever you are?
I’m writing to you from the comfort of new mint green sheets, from a bedroom with a fan going in the corner, and the skeleton of a bed frame I’ve yet to set up straggling against the wall. I’m writing to you from the start of an exciting, uncertain step forward.
three weeks ago, any thought about the future had been a thick, gray haze. the only vague aspirations outlining: I know, in a year or two, I’ll want to move out of the city. I know this may be the time to scout out new favorite corners of the world. I know that I’m feeling completely fulfilled in my friendships and in my time alone than I ever have before.
there’s a sense to that latter half that rings through me like a brass bell. I have never chosen to spend this amount of time by myself before. in any period of being single, I’ve felt the eventual shuffle of feet forward, onto the dating apps, spending more time at parties, with the thought, “well, better get back to it.” right now, I’m happy to stand still. while I’m aware it could still be remnants of heartbreak, there’s nothing in me right now that yearns to be taken up in some new love, be wooed by romance, or feel the rush of long nights flirting across a table, which is, genuinely, an entirely new feeling for me that I’m eager to explore. (and to be very secretly honest with you: it really scares me, but I really like it.)
after the end of my last relationship, one of my best friends mentioned that when she makes plans for her future, all of them are completely her own—only where she would like to be, what she’d like to be doing, who she’d like to become. she’s been in a beautiful relationship for several years now, so I was a little stunned to hear this. and, of course, they talk together about their goals, make shorter-term plans together, and absolutely, she’d want him along the road with her, but it’s important to her to plan a life that’s dependent only on her own aspirations.
“we’ve never been given a picture of what a life, a future, would be like if there’s only one rocking chair on that front porch we dream about.” and it’s true.
I could tell you how family/marriage-focused the church I was raised in was, or theorize maybe I’ve never made good friends with my loneliness because I spent so long not liking myself, or how it is simply reason enough to have prioritized love in my life because I do really love to love, but this all seems like background noise at the moment. we’ve never seen what a happy life could look like if we chose to spend it by ourselves—sharing our beautiful lives with friends, family members, the occasional crush, and lounging out in that quiet space alone as if an idyllic sunned beach. any movie, song, or story of a neighbor across the street that depicts an independent life, for so long, has been more about how to get by despite your aloneness; always framing the case as a wrongdoing or tragedy.
if I do choose to live a life that’s (for the most part) independent, I don’t want to make me my last resort. I don’t want it to be something to fear. we should know any future where we remain a party of one would be just as rich, just as meaningful, and just as abundant with love. to allow yourself the ease of changing your mind, or changing your plans if ever the feeling shifts. but it’s nice, if even for the moment, to have my feet planted in a sure feeling.
right now, I want my future to be just mine. I want to take the train and visit my grandpa. I want to dedicate more time getting another book or two in the works. I want to finish so many art projects. I want to plan a trip to Seattle with my best friend this summer.
a walk to get coffee in the morning. a meal I’ll make enough to share. my friends, my siblings, reaching out for my hand as we laugh together. rearranging the room however I please. I will create, and study, and spend some relaxing nights writing these letters to you, from mint green sheets and a fan whirring in the corner, wishing you a sweet sleep. it all sounds good to me.
with love,
schuyler (sky-ler)
venmo: schuylerpeck