little sunshine,
it seemed easier when we were younger, didn’t it? when offered a night out for ice cream, a day trip to the beach, or your turn to choose a favorite CD on the road trip—it was no question to take full advantage of it.
we could embrace the good—arms open—without any second guess of whether or not it was “deserved.” something happened, (do you feel it too?) where every other kindness is swatted away with seeming too much or not wanting to usurp anyone else’s potential joy. it seems harder to say “yes, thank you.” “I do believe I’m worth it.” “I know my well-being is not selfish.” “I’m happy to receive.”
there’s a good chance I’ve talked about reluctance in lavishing in bliss before, but I don’t mind returning to the thought, since it seems I still have work to do here. I mean, you wouldn’t think about rejecting things that make you happy. of course, I do want close friends. yes, I do want to be successful and healthy. of course, I do want to enjoy love. but maybe the act of receiving it, or sitting with it—even believing it’s deserved without brushing it off—comes a lot harder. I worry about selfishness, as if my own happiness could make me a bad person. I worry about the happiness of others, as if there is only enough joy for a few people and I’m okay if it isn’t me. I worry about what I’ve done to earn it.
I don’t want my life to be consumed in staying out of the way. I do want to be selfish in my joy. god, I want to roll around in it—no persuasion necessary. I know that an easy answer in what carved out this distance between heedlessly demanding more out of life and toeing around its edge, mumbling an “excuse me,” could be that in all these years, I’ve learned more joy means another downturn later along the line. anticipating a loved one to leave. knowing the lease won’t run on forever. does it mean, though, that I’ve learned to live in a state of bracing myself? can I even say living like that has made the challenges easier to swallow? wouldn’t I repeat the same to anyone that asked me if they were worthy of joy, to lift their hands to their drumming heart, and wonder what other qualification is needed?
I know, now I could take on joy as another challenge to chew bit by bit, but it feels my other alternative would be to let whatever wall of concern drop. a thick sheet of glass heading for the concrete. what might happen then? maybe the better question would be: why have I attached such a safety to it?
Yes.
Thank you.
More, please.
it’s a start. it’s uncomfortable, but it’s what I want. to magnify the gratitude for the good instead of convincing joy it has no place here. to feel whatever happiness comes along, unfiltered.
I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to discover here, and I’ll let you know what I do. we have a whole lifetime of it, don’t we?
with love,
schuyler (sky-ler)
venmo: schuylerpeck
It’s somehow warming to feel this reflected back by another . In some way it’s connectivity to our shared human condition being revealed at a deeper level…the element of compassion for ourselves in the face of so much diverse life experience…and so much to the contrary of the abundant earth and universe.
Allowing ourselves the awareness of our truly deep wealth without it being at the cost to, or deprivation of another.
Yes, it can take time to fully appreciate. A worthy investment it is.
Excellent entry once again, Schuyler.
Thank you
I was just writing a long letter to my friend last night, in which I wrote: "I admit I also battle feeling like I don’t deserve what I have, like I haven’t worked hard enough to be in my current position - feeling abundance from the universe, feeling ease and expansiveness. This is something I am working on. The feeling of not being worthy of things that are so fundamental to being human: feeling safe, feeling loved."
"feeling unfiltered happiness" is the perfect expression of this. not dimming joy as a way to atone.